A retrospective look at 2018

A retrospective look at 2018.

I realized that I was looking at 2019 with dread and not hope. So I figured I should sit down and try to capture what happened in 2018, find rays of sunshine to be thankful for, let go of the pain, and reach out for hope.

January I spent packing and getting ready to move out of the house I shared with my Ex. The slow rip away was excruciating.

At the end of January, my dear friend Lea moved to Arkansas. That felt like a punch in the gut. She has been a sparkle of hope in and out of this year even though she’s farther away. 

February was a challenge too, as it holds Valentine’s Day (typically my favorite holiday) and my Ex’s and my wedding anniversary. This was the first official without. Liz and April kept us surrounded and busy during the month with play dates, Bible journaling, and dog snuggles.

To give myself a ‘pick-me-up’ once in a while, I went to see my cousins rock the Seattle music scene (check them out Riffbrokers). When going through a giant pile of suck, one needs good people like Nick and Heather.

I decided to start Friday evenings with Brandon and beers which has proved to be a complete blessing. There are those friends that keep us grounded and he is always that person for me.

March we moved into the condo. Completely blessed by family and friends that made that happen. There was no way. . . NO WAY. . . I could have handled that without you! Liz, the boys, and I had a picnic on the floor of the new living room to initiate the condo and as soon as we moved in, it was home. Art came for tech support and painting party too.

March 19^th the divorce was officially finalized. I felt my heart move to my throat that day and camp out for what seemed like eternity. I still never thought I would end up divorced. The finality of it helped me get to the acceptance.

April my gals Bethany, April, and Liz threw me a “Bye Felicia” party to celebrate the divorce finalizing and the love of friendship they surround me with. Later that month, we took Liz with us to see Crowder and that really lifted my entire SOUL. He is an amazing worship leader. Liz worked her magic and got us VIP passes to even meet him. I couldn’t believe it. What a fun night for us!

May was my first solo Mother’s Day. I also met a very sweet man named Sean and we started dating. It was completely unexpected. Both in the timing and his adoration for me. I was completely blown away with how quickly we connected and how easily he showed love.

June and July were filled with long phone calls and many trips to the Tri Cities (where Sean lived). Meeting his amazing Aunt Debbie and cousin Mandy and becoming part of their family. Part of the bittersweet is that Sean had stage 4 Colon Cancer. I had to accept that this relationship would be temporary.

August – November was a Football blur. Peter was Right Guard for Cedar Park Junior Football 76ers team. I, honestly, don’t remember much other than running the kids around and doing homework. It was a lot of fun to see Peter try and succeed at something new. We made some really great friends too.

In November I also took the boys on their first plane ride to LA and Disneyland. We got to visit their Uncle Dan and Uncle Shawn in LA. They were quite the hosts and tour guides. It felt like family fitting right in. Disney was crazy, fun, and chaos. Liz shared the trip with us for 2 days, and that was beyond amazing. Seeing Disney through your children’s eyes is a wonder. Totally worth the way-too-much-money spent for that trip!

The holidays were fast. Thanksgiving, the boys and I went to visit my folks in Oregon. Sean was supposed to come too, but was too ill to come. All the busy of the holidays kept us rolling and then by Christmas we were preparing to say goodbye to Sean. He passed on the 26^th. I had previously ended our relationship earlier in December. I just couldn’t continue on with knowing he would pass soon. I felt horrible ending it, but knew it was the right choice for me and the boys. Sean passed quickly. Though I knew it was coming, it still felt like a sudden stop. I’m thankful that God gave me Sean. I received a glimpse of what love should be like. How I should be treated. My heart still breaks in the missing him.

I’ve failed to mention how much my church family were there in every day stuff too. The steady hand on my back keeping me upright.

So as I look back on 2018; I see family and friends that surrounded me, held me up, and loved me where I was at. I see new time made for myself. An odd silver lining in the divorce. I see freedom in the choices. There was addition of new family and time spent with cherished people (old & new). Bottom line I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot I was blessed with. And though the year ended in death that left the breath knocked out of me, I know it ended in healing.